hoji butter

(so what if i wrote something similar a little while back, this is important to me!)

today at work, there was a polish pilgrimage. hundreds of people from all over the country came to walk from great meadows to some shrine in pennsylvania. people of all ages were there, some in their religious garb, carrying crosses and playing music. it was my job to lead the last group up to the campgrounds. while we were all walking up, i had a chance to talk to one of the priests, who was from philly. he had been dating and in college when he felt the call for priesthood. i really can't imagine that, but i totally respect him for doing it. i feel that as long as you are doing what you love and creating good within society, you are living a fulfilling life.

i immediately thought of outward bound and camping and all that it has done for me. and how i feel like that is something i need to do for other people. to let other people see what i saw, and get what i got out of it. i feel like this sounds totally cliche, but whatever. at that moment (and now), i feel like i've wasted the entire summer doing something that would get me nowhere. i need to go camping (hardcore style) like nothing else. i'll have a week, but even so, i don't have a pack or any gear. and i'm supposed to be packing for college.

there's probably a lot of reasons i feel like that is what's right for me. maybe it's because i don't think i can stand another office job (or any job where i am forever indoors). maybe it's because i am more at peace outside than anywhere else. maybe it's because since i started biking, i've been overall happier and content. maybe it's because i know that why i hate new jersey so much is you can never be truly alone, and you can never really be out in the wilderness.

i felt this so strongly today, that everything else would just be a waste, that i wanted to just pack up and leave and start backpacking god knows where. i want that. i need that. but i have to go to college. i've got to wait. whatever i do, i'm not wasting another summer. i'm not wasting another second.

sometimes, i feel like the entire first eighteen years of my life have been wasted. i feel like i've been cheating myself and trying to be like other people (wait, what?) and enjoy living in your typical high school life. it couldn't have been more tortuous. i need to try something else. i need to be who i am. i need, more than anything, to be free.

i'm going to do what i need to do.

i can't get the words of that priest out of my head. while i'm not at all religious, i feel strangely affected. i don't know. i don't know anything. does anyone?

this is the entry where my journal goes public again.